Lately I had another heart to heart with my mentor. It was deep and, though I didn't show it much physically, somewhat emotional. I came with a query and left with two answered. I had struggled recently with what to do, how to achieve said doing and then how to find sufficient peace and satisfaction in the doing for my life. I told Kyle (mentor) that I (mentoree) that I was struggling with this idea that was still ingrained in my head despite the test of years and the tension of ideas - the idea of a glorious achievement. Not merely one achievement but a life of glorious achievement, one that went down in the books, one that was studied, applied to others, used as a citation for research, and the topic of debate and respect by the philosophically virtuous. I have seen so many people dream of that life when they were younger but it seems they all slowly erased it from their life goal to replace with something more benign and innocuous. But here I was with this idea of a wonderful life still in my head with the voracity of a a tiger, the potency of an expresso and the beauty of it's golden streams filling a small shot. I was on the edge. It seemed that time was closing in on me and my dreams and that it was only a matter of an event to change my life from one of a wonderful life of fullness to a ordinary room of gray. I expressed this growing fear to Kyle who in-turn blessed me with sage wisdom as only a brother of wiser thoughts could. I shall paraphrase, "Charles, I too once wanted a life of glory and wonder and awe, one that people would point at and say 'that is who I want to be'. But I realized, with time alone with God and with my own mentor that there was a fault within me - I wanted those things for myself. Did that stop my pursuit of glory? No. I am reminded when I read and study those great men before us what that life truly is. I have a more refined idea of what that life looks like: it's a life with countless hours of unrecognized effort and toil over something that seems daunting and quite impossible. It's a life that must remain selfless unless the self takes advantage of the glory. And most of all, it's a life only God can give you. I talked to D'Souza once and he gave me some powerful wisdom. He said, 'I never wanted to be known as I am, if I could be whatever I wanted, I would life in India, eat curry every day, sit on the street and write books. But God has given me this life and I will do with it what He wills.' Charles, study like your life depends on it, live a life of virtue, that is know some things for the pure joy of themselves. Love people. And use whatever God gives you. If it is glory, let that glory never stick with you but all flow to God. If it is study, let it be thorough and honest. If it is writing, let it be diligent, excellent, and applicable. And if God gives you a house, a wife, and a family let that occupy all your time with all your heart and joy. Life is fullest when God is known most. And to know God is to fear Him. And to fear Him is to be used by Him. And to be used by Him is exactly what you were made for."
Do I still wish for glory? Yes. But through books like Humility (Mahaney), Just Do Something (DeYoung), and Liberal Learning (Schall) I am coming to a certain and mesmerizing conclusion - God would have me do something. Something wonderful. Something for His glory.
If that something is merely to have a family, there will be nothing "mere" about it. If it means a life of fame, let my humility and love for God be my shield. If it means slaying dragons let my sword be ever sharp and my wits keen. It means solving the unsolvable cases of this world, let my wisdom and insight be from God for His glory. If my life is full of coffee grinding, it'll be heaven worthy. If it writing, I'll make some crazy awesome books by God's grace. Whatever life has in store, I've got a few things in store for life.
I haven't lost my passion for the whimsical, the fantastic, the overwhelming, the full life, but that passion is slowly and surely finding it's home in something other than my wishes and fantasies. This life is something for a someone I would die for. And my all things given to me be for Him.
This is true life. This is a full life. And this short small event in my life with my Mentor was small in size but as powerful as any new-clear device.
I think when you speak of coffee grinding you mean to say "heavenly," but perhaps not... Good thoughts though. One of the transformations of the past year at IMPACT that you seemed to undergo was a change in your ambitions. Not that you were less so, but in the aim and motivation. I'm glad that you are continuing to grow in that.
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